Sinnickson Out in Arizona

In a shocking development that puts a seriously damp impression on Middlebury’s already soggy start, star outfielder Dylan Sinnickson ’15 pulled a hamstring during the Panthers sweep at the hands of Williams. The injury will hamper him for a few games, but it revealed a problem that dwarfs any petty muscle strain.

When examining Sinnickson’s injury in Tucson, trainers at the facility noticed a filmy white mist escape from the senior’s mouth.

“The substance left [Dylan’s] body roughly 25 minutes after the injury occurred, once we had looked him over behind the dugout,” said a trainer who declined to be identified due mostly to, if I’m permitted to paraphrase, paralyzing fear. “Upon exiting the body, the mist appeared to gather into a solid mass about 10 feet over our heads, taking the shape of a skull and crossbones, which may have in fact been baseball bats, we can’t be sure. I’ve certainly never seen anything like it.”

Some observers have said that the spirit possessing Sinnickson is visible in this picture.
Some observers have said that the spirit possessing Sinnickson is visible in this picture.

NESCAC officials have joined with various experts in occult forces to try to explain the phenomenon. Scientists who study undead forces at work in Arizona have been able to track many of the spirits that lurk around the state, which has long been a hotbed of ghostly activity. Executive Director of the NESCAC Andrea Savage reported that the joint task force “believes the young man to have been possessed by one of the many lingering spirits that roam the deserts of Arizona. This particular apparition, according to the scientist in charge of its tracking, appears to have been a Major League baseball player who was abandoned in the desert during spring training in the early 1900’s. He has since been searching for a way to get back into the game he loved so dearly, and Dylan Sinnickson offered him a more than worthy host.”

This stunning development obviously throws shadows upon much of Sinnickson, and Middlebury’s, season thus far. Sinnickson had been a bright spot for the Panthers in 2015, batting .484 with four home runs and 11 RBI before the injury (and the departure of the undead spirit from his soul). With this new knowledge, Sinnickson’s statistics have to be given an asterisk, as the unnamed spirit deserves just as much credit for his remarkable start to the season. When asked if he felt that Sinnickson’s possession should call into question the validity of his statistics, and whether the team knew and withheld the information, Coach Bob Smith declined to comment, but was clearly offended. However, an unnamed source from inside the Panthers locker room was able to shed some light on the matter.

“We had been noticing some…changes in Dylan lately,” the source told me. “He’d started asking us all to wear high socks for each game, and his pregame meal was just whiskey and a massive cigar. Honestly we knew something had to be up when he started off so hot. No one can miss a year of a sport and come back as the best player in the league. No one human, I should say.”

NESCAC officials certainly have a difficult task ahead of them in determining how to sanction Sinnickson and the Panthers, but there is precedent in the league. It is widely known that Amherst basketball coach David Hixon sold his soul to Satan in the early 90’s, but the league has never been able to fully determine how much of his success to attribute to that, so punishment has never been meted out. According to Director Savage, Sinnickson will be given time to recuperate from his injury and the psychological damage that possession can incur, and the league will discuss the matter during that period. Savage also warned other NESCAC players to be wary of the various “black magic” forces that roam Arizona, and as always, to “play hard and live up to NESCAC’s standards of sportsmanship.”

Editor’s Note: Sinnickson actually did injure his hamstring in Arizona. Everything else…